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Because I’ve Finally Moved Back Home (Part 1)…

Matty and I have lived far away from everyone we love for years now.  Way back around 2008 we were a couple of crazy kids in love when Matty was offered a job in North Dakota working with bison.

Don’t be fooled by his adorably cute naked butt… he will kill you as soon as look at you. Just a heads up: he mostly kills people who laugh at his butt so zip it Gertrude!

He moved to the great empty north around the end of April and called me as soon as he walked into his terrifying apartment.  I’m not 100% sure, but I’m fairly certain that the call went something like this:

Matty: “Ashlee?”

Me: “Hey Matty!  How is it up there?”

Matty: “It fucking sucks here.  Will you move with me?”

Me: “Okay!”

And that, my friends, is how our life together began.  I quit my job at Boone Electric Cooperative and moved to North Dakota on May 8th.  I can still remember telling my pop that I was going to move to North Dakota to be with a boy who hadn’t even MENTIONED marriage.  Dad wasn’t happy, but he wasn’t going to stop me either so we just sat there in a comfortable silence.  I love the comfortable silences between my dad and I… it’s like wrapping yourself in a cuddly blanket that’s made of no expectations.  No pressure to be charming or funny or clever.  We’re both very happy in the silence sometimes.

Pictured: comfortable silence that was only achieved by the fact that dad made me climb up the side of a mountain. I was wearing converse tennis shoes. Because I am a moron.

But back to the story.  We lived in North Dakota between May and September and it wasn’t easy.  Neither of us had lived away from family and both of us were pretty homesick.  Matty threw himself into his job with the bison and I… well I was a cashier at the local grocery store.  It wasn’t that helpful that the people there were freaking weirdos.

“Good Lord, this winter is mild” said no one in North Dakota ever.

I’ll never forget the girl I worked with telling me that high school kids died in car accidents all the time.  There was, no shit, not a single curve in the entire state of North Dakota.  All the roads were stick straight, and yet these kids couldn’t handle it.  Jesus.  Of course, this was also the girl who told me she had never left North Dakota.

I googled “I Love North Dakota” and this was legit the best they could do.

Crazy say what?  I apologize.  She was actually super sweet, but very sheltered.  People there were simply different, not wrong… just different.  Imagine biting into the most beautiful apple in the world and tasting lemons.  Not wrong.  Just bizarre.  You would think I would love that about the state, but you would be wrong.  Probably because you’ve never been to North Dakota.  Lucky bastard.

Because Smelly Kelly Is Going To Be A Fox…

A few weeks ago I got an amaaaazing phone call from one of my best friends.  Miss Kelly is engaged to a sassy-ass man who’s last name is Fox.

Artist’s rendering of Kelly’s future husband.

So today I thought I’d make yet another one of my famous lists o’ reference in the off chance that you run into Kelly in a dark alley and she says, “I’m going to stab you unless you tell me #4 on Ashlee’s list”.  Because that will happen to you.  She’s a straight up terrorist.

Even Bane is slightly terrified of Kelly. Homie don’t play.

Back to the list!  I realize that I’ve done this before here and here, but it just never gets old and I love it.  So there!  Where was I?  Oh… right… a definitive Kelly list.

1.)   Kelly has been haunted by a stalker for many many years.  This specter has been plaguing Kelly for as long as I’ve known her.  We’ve tried countless times to send it away, banishing it back to whatever corner of Hell it slithered out of, but to no avail.  I’ve posted a picture of one of the few times we were able to capture the beast’s image.  If you know who… or what… it is then please, for the love of God, tell us.  She’s really starting to freak us out.

Sweet Jesus it’s eating her soul!!!

2.)  Kelly is pensive.  It’s nothing for her to stare wistfully into the distance and look as if the entire world is running through her mind.  Only her best friends know what’s really in her thoughts. “Did I get Wendy’s twice yesterday?”  The answer?  No.  That was me.

I was smelling her breath for onions. It’s what I gotta do.

3.)  Men flock to her like monarch butterflies to Mexico.  She’s told them to leave her.  She’s told them that she’s no good, but in the end they refuse to leave her and she must deal with the burden of being nothing but pure sexiness.

Ladies… lock up your men.

4.)  She has a love/hate relationship with my amazing husband, Matty.  Some days they are better friends than a monkey and a banana…

Oh thoooop it, you!

while other days they’re more like… well… the opposite of a monkey with a banana.  So I guess maybe a walrus with a salad?  Sure.  Let’s go with that.

That’s her “pain” face. Don’t make her do it again.

5.)  She is TERRIFIED of fire.  You set one building sized bonfire alight and she just  loses it.  She starts screaming about how we’re “burning the forest down” and that it’s “snowing ash like in the fires of Pompeii”.  Also, she exaggerates.

Save yourselves! (she said to no one as she pushed old ladies out of her way)

6.)  Finally, Kelly is one of my best friends and she makes my life a million times better.  She puts up with my shit and (rarely) calls me on it.  That’s a rare quality, let me tell you.

Who else would tolerate all of that up there?

I can’t wait until Kelly and Fox tie the knot.  It’s going to be a great day and I’m sure 100% sure it’s going to the classiest shit you’ve ever seen.

 

I absolutely REFUSE to believe that her wedding won’t be exactly like this.  Fox should probably start wearing skirts now so he’s used to the wind blowing through his furry legs. 

Because I’m Finally A Grown Up (Technically)…

Good gravy I’m back!  I have exciting news… are you ready?  Are you sitting down?  Did you have a good breakfast to provide you with the mental clarity you’re going to need?  Are you wearing pants (in case you wet them)?   All three checked?  AWESOME!  You are officially doing better than me.

Not that I’m ashamed of that fact. Sometimes you just have to be a baller and others will hate you for it. FACT.

Wait… where was I going with this?  OH YAH!  My news… I have a real life job!!!  Please let that sink in because I know it’s got to be a shock.  I’m finally going to be working at a job that I’m qualified for because of my degree.  What?!?!?!  After graduating (as you saw in my previous post) and passing the praxis on the first try I was officially able to begin molding the minds of our youth.  Which is only slightly terrifying.  I decided to apply at a local school and got a call back the same day.  I had applied with my maiden name as well as my married due to the fact that my family is “thick” in this area.  The superintendent called and asked if I was “kin to Sid” – a fantastically amazing man who has been a staple in the educational community for countless years.  I told him that Sid is, in fact, my father’s cousin.  The superintendent replied, “Well, Doerhoffs are good people so if you check out I’m gonna hire you.”  And he did!  How crazy!!!

I ended up accepting the job and met up with the retiring Speech Path to discuss my new kiddos.  I can NOT express how helpful this woman has been.  She not only detailed the little ones I’ll be seeing, but she also grouped them for me based on who works together the best.  She’s simply amazing.

Artist rendition…

Next came my favorite part… organizing my speech room!!!  I know that for most people this would be the worst part of the job, but for some reason I couldn’t wait to go through every single item.  Like a nerd.  A huge nerd.  Here’s a before shot:

Note all the crapola piled on the ledge. Barf.

I ended up going through each item and placing them in the categories of: language, articulation, autism, art supplies, general reinforces, and crap.  To the left of this photo is a super fantastic-bombastic cabinet that I ended up using as my main storage location. By the time I was finished it looked like this:

It’s so beautifullllll!

I realize that I’m not done yet, but it’s such a huge improvement.  Once I’ve got all my items in the cabinet I’ll make sure and post an updated picture with diagrams to show what’s what.  Until then I’m going to finish my laundry, drink a soda, and be the boss I was born to be (see the first picture for reference).

Because I’ve Got The Time To Chat Again…

I.  Am.  Back.  Sweet Jesus that was an uncalled for absence.  I would blame myself, but this is my blog and I’m not going to because I don’t have to.  BOOM!  I have a legitimate excuse for not writing… I was finishing up my Masters in Speech-Language Pathology!!!

Graduates

In case you can’t tell… I’m the ham in the back with my arm in the air.

I’m hoping to start writing a bunch more, but I’ve promised that before and proven myself to be a dirty liar.  I’ll be typing up more tomorrow about my amazing job that I’ve accepted in Westphalia!  My world = constant excitement.

Because My Time In Wichita Is Almost Over…

Yes Ladies and Gentlemen you read that title correctly.  In a very short amount of time this woman will no longer be a resident of Kansas and I simply can NOT tell you how excited I am about moving home.  Matty and I have lived in Wichita for a few years now and, though we’ve made some amazing friends, I’m more than ready to get back to Missouri.

SEE?!?! Missouri is the best!

I’ll be starting my educational externship in Hallsville, Missouri on January 4th.  Though it’s a fantaaastic school, I’m still really nervous about how I’ll do.  What happens if I get there and I realize that I know absolutely nothing about speech pathology?  I can just see it now:

Supervisor: “Hey Ashlee, how about you work on this little guy’s /r/?”
Me: “Say what now?”
Supervisor: “You know?  Like the sound at the beginning of ‘ring’?”
Me: “Who’s that now?”
Supervisor: “Oh Christ…”

There’s a reason “rude” starts with the letter /r/…

I even had a nightmare last night about my final conferences at St. Francis.  I had a dream that I was running three hours late when I noticed that, not only was I screwed because I was late as all get out, but I was also wearing a sweatshirt and jeans.  Though this dream sounds super short, in all truth it felt like it lasted forever.  What kind of a nerd has nightmares about being late to a conference in the wrong clothes?  I sometimes worry about myself, really.

Because The Christmas Season Is Upon Us…

I’ve neglected you guys yet again.  I’m sorry.  I wish I could say that it won’t happen again, but we all know that’s a lie.  To make up for it I’ve decided to post my very favorite Christmas song so you guys can all get into the Christmas spirit with me.  Yaaayyy!!!!

Because Grandma Is A Wild Woman (Part One)…

I heart my grandma.  That’s just a fact.  She’s super funny and she’s exactly what I want to be like when I grow up.  Except I plan on actually eating fruits and vegetables. (Side note: this is the woman who once told me fruit was “disgusting” and “why would I eat lettuce when there are Twinkies in the world”).

What are you doing to that poor child?!?! Do you WANT her to vomit?

Here’s a sample of our conversation from the other day:

Me: Hey Grandma!  What did you do today?

Grandma: WELL, I thought I should let you know that I ate my vegetables for the day.

Me: For real, Grandma?  What did you eat?

Grandma: I put coleslaw on my hamburger and it was good!

Me: *silence*

Grandma: Aren’t you proud of me?  I ate my vegetables just like you’ve been complaining about and I actually LIKED it!

Me: Well good Lord, Grandma!  Of course you enjoyed it.  You essentially had a hamburger with a bunch of mayo and smidge of cabbage.  Don’t you think that all that extra stuff canceled out the healthiness of the cabbage?

Grandma: *silence* I saw your mom today.

Look how excited she was when she saw the oatmeal cream pies!
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